I am feeling so blessed and I know I have been incredibly blessed. Yesterday, Zane came home with a flyer for a benefit dinner for a fellow first grader’s baby sister. When I saw the picture and then read what was wrong, I was shocked, a spinal tumor. A spinal tumor? But I just saw her a less than a month ago maybe even just 2 weeks, how could this be going on? I know this family and not that I know them well but the mom and I have bonded a little. See our daughters were born less than 24 hours apart but on different days, she was born on the 5th while Claudia was born on the 6th. We would always talk about what the girls were doing and how they were changing. And it hit me, hard, I can’t imagine what they are going through and I have no idea how they are handling it. I wanted to cry when I saw the flyer but Zane was there and I didn’t want him to be worried about me. I did explain it but I didn’t tell him how bad it could be and what it could mean. Later on, once Zane was in bed and Jeffrey was home, I walked up to Jeffrey and hugged him and I just started to cry. I feel so bad for them and wish there was something, anything that I could do. But I know all I can do is pray and pray hard for them and trust in God. So for anyone reading this please pray for them.
Our due date was June 5th and we were scheduled for our 40 week appointment, but at the 39 week appointment they had to change our time for our 40 week appointment to later in the afternoon. Granted, I was hoping not to need the 40 week appointment at all. Anyway, the days continued and there we were at our 40 week appointment, still pregnant not in labor. Our doctor’s office does an ultrasound at the 40 week appointment and also a fetal monitor check for about 20-30 minutes, which is why they had to change our appointment time because it was a longer appointment.
Anyway, we get there and go to have our ultrasound and the technician says well the fluid is low, not by much though so let me go ask the doctor what she thinks. Meanwhile, I had myself convinced that we weren’t going to be going to the hospital because by this point I was pretty sure she was never going to come out. The doctor comes into the room and says, “Let’s go have a baby!” Wait, what? She explain that the fluid around that baby is just low enough that we should be induced and have the baby, just to be safe, but first she wanted to monitor the baby’s heart rate before sending us to the hospital. Wait, what? I was in shock because no, that’s not how this was going to happen, I mean we didn’t even bring our bag for the hospital with us. I asked the technician how big is she measuring… “8 pounds 14 ounces”… WTF?! I asked how much is the margin for error was and she responds “half a pound on average but no more than a pound.”
At that point I wasn’t excited, all I was thinking was I’m going to have a C-section. Zane was 8lbs 7oz and he got stuck and all the scary memories of that came rushing into my head. Jeffrey was so excited and I tried to be excited because I wanted that with him, but the reality was I was terrified. When the ultrasound was done Jeffrey left to go get our bags and what not from home while I had the monitoring done. I had to wait about an hour or so for Jeffrey to get back to go to the hospital which was right across the street from my doctor. Jeffrey went home and got our bags, then he had to eat, then he had to go to his parents’ house to drop off a key to our house (I have no idea what for) and then he came and got me. Once at the hospital, we filled out our paper work and then went upstairs where we had to wait to get into our room. At about 5:00-5:30pm I was all hooked up and ready go, they started the Pitocin and my IV, which my IV went in on a weird angle and then it was taped all up my arm because the tube kept getting pinched.
Around 7, Jeffrey’s parents showed up and hung out with us till about 8-830. I had talked with my parents and Zane and my siblings so they were all good but they weren’t going to come up until after she was born. At about 8:30-8:40pm, they broke my water and all that Pitocin kicked in. My contractions were long and painful, Jeffrey was doing his best to help me but my pain was intense. Jeffrey tried not to say anything about getting an epidural but after a while he was like why don’t you just get one. The reality was my contractions were coming so fast that I barely had a break between them and I had lost track of time. Three hours had gone by and for me I thought maybe an hour or so had pasted. At that point I agreed to an epidural and I cried my eyes out it hurt so badly. Poor Jeffrey just had to sit in a chair and watch me while I had it done, but his voice was the only thing I could try to focus on. I had some relief once it was all done but my legs were really itchy.
The nurse came in to check on me about an hour later so it was about 1:00am and I was almost fully dialted and ready to go, I was feeling my contractions but they weren’t where they had been in terms of pain. I think about 1:45am the doctor came to check on me and wanted me to start doing practice pushes. And maybe around 2:00am, I started doing the real pushes and at 2:48am, we heard our precious little girl cry. I cried and I held her for a bit and Jeffrey cut the cord like the proud daddy he was. And finally we were about to announce her name: Claudia Grace. She weighed 7lbs 2ozs, so much for that margin of error, and she was healthy and momma was healthy.
I don’t think I realized how scared I was about her birth, until I heard her cry, then all the pent up stress and fear came out. I cried when I heard her and I remember looking at her then Jeffrey and saying she’s crying and I cried harder. Our baby was healthy and crying and that was the sweetest, most beautiful sound a mother could hear.
Well let’s see…I know I haven’t written in several months on the blog and a lot of that has to do with the fact that we started working on the house that we are now living in and I started a new job, part time. When I last wrote I talked about the job and how it was going to be part time and that they would hold my job for me while I was on maternity leave. I liked the person I worked with directly and the two other ladies that were in the same cubical area as us. I hated the drive to work, it took anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, one way. The job itself wasn’t bad, as long as I was busy. The problem was I wasn’t busy very often, which made for long days with long drives to and from work. I really wasn’t all that happy but I had a job and at least felt like I was doing something, even if the reality was that I wasn’t doing much at all. I was planning on returning to work once Zane started school and the beginning of September but that was not meant to be. I emailed the girl I worked with about my plans and she basically said well we gave your position to someone else. Really? So it has been back to the drawing board for me, I’ve had a few interviews but nothing from them yet.
Alright, now about the house… We started working on the house at the middle to end of March and we did not move into the house until the beginning of May. Yes, it took about six weeks for the house to be cleaned, painted, carpeted, and repaired to a point that we could live in it. The house belongs to my sister and brother in law, it was their first house. According to them the house is in better shape now than when they lived in it. I don’t necessary believe that to be totally true but it doesn’t really matter. I’m happy we are living in this house, it’s not perfect and we have made our own little changes and upgrades as we see fit, which my sister doesn’t mind, to make the house feel more like home. We have met most of our neighbors and since a lot of them have kids around Zane’s age, he’s been able to make new friends. I think that helped Zane to transition into the new house.
Now onto the fun things that happened in May… We had three false alarms with our sweet baby girl. The first on was May 13, I was at work and after going to the bathroom a hundred times I thought maybe my water had broken, but I wasn’t sure. I called my doctor and told her and she wasn’t really sure either but to go to the hospital and get checked out. Remember my due date was June 5th. I called Jeffrey and told him and I told the girl I worked with and I left work. I met Jeffrey at home and then we went to the hospital. My dad picked up Zane from school and Zane was going through another flare up with his asthma but I couldn’t take him to the doctor so I called just to see if I can get a prescription for him since he has these a couple times a year. I was told yes but that I would have to bring him in the next day. Well, they messed up and after several phone called we finally got the prescription, that is the shorten version of it. Meanwhile I was at the hospital with Jeffrey and they’re monitoring me and the baby and ran at least 4 tests to see if indeed my water had broken. Two tests were negative and two tests were inconclusive. So after about four hours we were released and very disappointed.
Then on May 17th, we had our second false alarm. I woke up with cramping that was fairly regular. I called the doctor and she said if it kept up the come into the hospital. It wasn’t bad cramping but it was fairly consistent. After a while, I called Jeffrey and said to come home, I think I’m having contractions. We go to the hospital and nothing. I wasn’t in labor and I was told that I was dehydrated. I was not happy but we were only there for about an hour. I found it very hard to believe that I was dehydrated but that was what they told me.
Then on May 23rd, I was home with Zane and doing yard work, it was a fairly hot day but I was taking breaks and drinking water. Around 2:00 pm, I started to get some cramps in my back and it didn’t matter what I did they just kept up and kept getting stronger. The thing was I was only getting cramps/pain in one spot in the middle left side of my back. I called the doctor and she told me to soak in the tub and see if that helps. It helped for a few minutes, but then it was back. I eventually called Jeffrey to come home because I was in so much pain I could barely stand let alone walk. We went to the hospital again. And after another 2 hours or so I was released and again told I was dehydrated. I’m sorry but I was not dehydrated, if I was I would have had a headache, not pain in one single spot that was bringing tears to my eyes. After that I was basically told not to do anything around the house for fear that I would overdo it, again.
So that about sums up the happenings in May. I was still pregnant at the beginning of June and I was miserable.
Well, its official, we will be moving into our new house within the next two weeks (hopefully)! YAY!!! We went to the house yesterday to figure out what needs to be fixed, painted, and cleaned…and everything needs to be cleaned and painted. There are some things that need to be fixed but most of them can be done after we move in. There are 2 rooms that have carpet that needs to be ripped out and new carpet needs to be installed throughout that whole house. A few light fixtures and all the blinds need to be replaced. It is very exciting but it is also incredibly stressful at the same time., I mean we have a whole house to get ready and it is a big step in a relationship to move in together. I’m not nervous about living together, we get along great and I think will help alleviate a lot of stress and we’ll over all be able to get more sleep at night, but it is still a big step. I think I’m stressing myself out by thinking of everything that needs to be done but I just need to focus on one room at a time and all will be well.
In addition to the house, I will be starting a new job on Monday working part-time 3 days a week from 8-5, so that might be adding to my nervousness and excitement. Finally after 7 months of looking for a job, I get one! And they are willing to work around maternity leave and doctor appointments, so awesome! I can’t wait to start, everyone seems really nice and hopefully things will work out nicely here.
I’ve had a few dreams about baby girl recently, one was very brief and the only thing I remember about it was that she was around 5 years old and had dark hair and blue eyes, that made Jeffrey very happy. And the other dream I had seemed more like a nightmare because it was about going into labor except I was very early. But in the dream baby girl was pushing all over my tummy and I was in extreme pain and I couldn’t get ahold of Jeffrey or he was far away and I think I ended up having a C-section. But the dream was the kind that felt so real because when I woke up I was relieved to know that it was just a dream. Honestly, that dream pretty much covered all my fears: fear of her being too early to be fully healthy, fear of the amount of pain I will be in, fear that I won’t be able to get ahold of Jeffrey and not having him by my side through labor, and fear that something will go wrong and I will have to have an emergency C-section.
I know some of my fear is completely justified and normal and part of it is because I had a traumatic labor/birth with Zane. I think having a repeat of Zane’s birth is truly what scares me. I was pretty much alone in terms of my labor, I mean Zane’s biological dad (my ex-husband) was there but he wasn’t helping me. I mean you go through 9 months of carrying this baby and you have this dream/expectation of how everything is supposed to go and I had none of it. I ended up having a nurse jump on the bed and push on my stomach to help get Zane out because he was stuck. He wasn’t breathing because the cord was around his neck so I never heard a cry from him. And having the staff rush out of the room with him and only being able to give him a quick kiss on the forehead and not getting to hold him, granted by that point the staff kept telling me he was fine and breathing and all was well, I was still terrified. My ex left with the staff to go be in the nursery once Zane was good to go. And after that, my ex left the hospital to go home and shower and what not since he didn’t know when they would bring Zane back in to be with me (ya know….why bother to stay and support the mother of my child while she’s sobbing?).
Thankfully though, my mom flew down and was at the hospital when I delivered Zane, granted she wasn’t in the room when I delivered him. She really was the only person that truly gave me any support through everything. She was there with me while I cried waiting to see and hold my baby. She was there when they finally brought him back to my room and I was able to hold him and nurse him. My mom stayed with me more than my ex did while I was in the hospital. And she was a huge a help for the first 3 weeks after having Zane before she went back home and Zane and I were left on our own.
I know I won’t have to worry about being alone while in the hospital or going through labor without help because Jeffrey will there, just like he has been there through everything with the pregnancy so far. I know he will be a great coach and honestly he’ll probably make me laugh a lot during labor, or at least I hope he’ll be able to make me laugh.
We finally have gotten some good news with our housing situation! The renters that are in the house we are waiting to rent finally closed on their house and will have all their stuff out by Monday!!! This is very exciting because we’ve been looking/waiting for a place since October, so about 6 – 7 months we’ve been trying to get a place together. We won’t be able to move in right away because the house needs a deep clean, painting done in every room, and new carpet in all the bedrooms and family room. I don’t know if anything else needs to be fixed before we move in either, so that means we will still have about 2 weeks before we could move. But at least we know its going to happen and all we have to do is work hard to get things done and we’ll be in sooner rather than later. I think it’s probably for the best that it has taken this long only because we’ve been able to save money, but now we’re in crunch time to get a house and a nursery together in just under 3 months.
I do have some other good news, I have had 2 interviews with a landscape company for an office administration job and things are looking good for me to get the job. They are willing to work around my maternity leave and everything which is awesome. So here’s hoping I get the job and things can start falling into place.
I sometimes find myself randomly having moments of thinking, “Can I do this?”. I know most moms have that thought at one point or another during their pregnancy and maybe for the first time moms it can be throughout the whole pregnancy. I don’t know how to explain the thought when it pops up other than it probably happens when I’m having a day of not feeling well or days that Zane is driving me nuts. Can I really handle two kids? Can I manage my time so that neither of my children will feel like one is no more important than the other? Can I really go through labor again (that’s the big one)?
I know everything will be fine and I’m not on my own in this by any means. Jeffrey has been by my side through all of it and I know he will be awesome when it comes to coaching me through labor. I’m not saying it will be easy but I know he will be great at getting me to focus me and distracting me from the pain.
I know everything will be fine once she’s here, everyone will adjust to the new way of life and life will be good.